Facing the Truth
by kayden4
Summary: As William Lewis's trial approaches, Olivia is battling her inner demons, trying to survive. Facing her monster is only the start as she desperately tries to keep her secret safe from her boyfriend and friends. Olivia/Brian r/ship, Elliott returns.
1. Chapter 1

She felt his hot breath dancing across her skin. It started with a whisper in her ear, his words she has selectively blocked out. As he moved his mouth towards her lips, his breathing heavy from excitement, she tried desperately to sink into the mattress away from him, to be swallowed and transported anywhere but there. As she closed her eyes and pushed her head as far as she could into the dirty mattress, hoping to increase the distance between her and him, but knowing it was a wasted effort, he kissed her painfully on the lips. Gasping for air as he refused to remove his mouth from hers, she tried in vain to push him off her, clawing at any body part she could. He was too strong though, she knew it and he knew it. He pulled away from her lips, propped himself up on his hands, raising his head slightly and grinning down at her like a Cheshire cat. His piercing eyes penetrated her own however, she refused to look away. She wouldn't give him that satisfaction, she wouldn't let him know that he had won, even though she knew deep down, he almost had. As she drifted into a trance in an attempt to remove her mind and body from the present moment, he whisked that comfort away from her as he spoke.

"Did you like that sweetheart? That was just a teaser, there's much more fun in store for you and I". A large, rough hand quickly made its way to her crotch, rubbing her between her legs, over her pants, invading her body.

"No, no, get off me, stop please". Her tortured screams were agonisingly painful. Nick slammed down the phone, knowing there was no time for an explanation to the person on the other end. He rushed into the cribs and spotted her, her hands and legs kicking at the invisible demon. He swallowed hard; he felt such anger towards William Lewis for hurting and terrifying his partner but he also felt immense guilt for not being there to protect her. He vowed to make up for it, not only by looking out for her always, but in helping her get through this. He rushed over to a terrified Olivia, who was still thrashing about restlessly, unable to wake from her nightmare.

"Olivia, it's Nick, you're safe now, I promise, it's ok, you're safe shh". He gave her a gentle nudge and repeated the words, as her eyes darted open and she gasped for air.

"Where am I" she muttered to herself, confused.

"Olivia, you're in the cribs at work, you're ok, you had a nightmare". Olivia looked around, confirming she was in fact in the cribs.

"I, I'm sorry Nick, I was waiting for Brian and I must have drifted off" she said timidly, refusing to make eye contact with her partner. She was humiliated and ashamed and didn't want to see the look of pity in his eyes. Just then Brian Cassidy walked through the door, a look of concern washing over his face when he saw his girlfriend. "What's going on" he enquired.

"Nothing, are you ready to go" Olivia said, more in the way of a statement that she was in fact ready, rather than a question. Without waiting for an answer, she quickly exited the cribs, brushing past her partner and her boyfriend.

Brian gave a questioning look Nick's way. "She fell asleep in here and must have been having a pretty horrible nightmare, she was screaming, tossing and turning, she woke up just before you came in".

Brian looked at Olivia, she was collecting the contents of her bag off the floor, after dropping it; she was clearly rattled. He shot Nick a quick 'thank you' glance, walked over to Olivia and bent down next to her.

"Let me help" he said, picking up a notebook. "No, I've got it" Olivia quipped back. She just wanted to get out of there.

"What's going on?" Amanda asked, chomping on an apple.

Olivia stood up and ignoring everyone, rushed out of the precinct, leaving Brian and her bag behind. She began furiously pressing the elevator button, trying to decide whether the stairs would be the quicker escape route.

"Hey, hey, it's ok Liv" Brian's soothing voice said behind her. She wouldn't look at him; her eyes were fixated on the 'down' button of the elevator. "It's going to be ok". She wished that she could believe that. "Look at me Liv"; she lowered her head, as if purposefully ignoring his request. He stepped in front of her, her bag over his shoulders, lightly placed his hands on her shoulders and bowed his head to catch her gaze.

"We are going to get you through this, I promise you". "I don't know" she said meekly. This wasn't the Olivia her knew and it broke his heart to see her so defeated. "I promise you, that's what we are going to do". She met his eyes and he pulled her in to his arms. He could feel her shaking and he softly rubbed her back. The elevator dinged and he guided her inside, immediately pulling her back into a hug, wanting to let her know she was safe.

It had been 10 weeks, 4 days, 8 hours and 32 minutes since Nick came rushing through the door of the beach house and guided her out to the waiting vehicle. She was barely surviving being kidnapped and tortured by William Lewis and now she was expected to soon face him at trial. She had been doing well; she was back at work, she was enjoying spending time with Brian, her friends and work colleagues and she only thought about her ordeal every few minutes, rather than every few seconds. However, with the prospect of seeing her monster again looming ever so close, she had begun seriously struggling. She couldn't sleep, she had little appetite, she was pushing everyone away and her only safe haven was scrubbing her body in the shower. She was trying to hide her struggle from everyone but the more she retreated into her shell, the more difficult it became.

Brian opened the door to their apartment and switched on the light. Olivia quickly made a beeline for the bathroom. Brian sighed, knowing that he would soon hear the sound of water running. "Liv, come eat something first" he coaxed her. She almost kept walking but heard the desperation in his voice. He had been amazing throughout everything especially given they had only been going out a few months prior to her abduction. She was more in love with him than ever before but even he couldn't erase time or her painful memories.

"Sure" she said, smiling. "What's on the menu chef, a frozen microwave meal?" she teased. "Sorry to disappoint but here's something I prepared earlier" he quipped back, taking a risotto out of the fridge. "Quite the cook aren't we" she joked as she sat down on the kitchen bar stool. He dished up the meals and was surprised to see Olivia consume most of the contents of the bowl. The past few days she had definitely gone down hill on her road to recovery and one of the first things he noticed was her refusal to eat, making constant excuses. He also knew she desperately needed sleep but he had a suspicion she was scared to drift off because of the inevitable nightmares which had been plaguing her the last week or so.

"How was work" he inquired. "Fine, we were able to close a case today, always a good day when that happens, you?"

"Same old really". He didn't really want to talk about work. What he really wanted to talk to her about was what had happened in the cribs and how he could help her. He knew broaching the topic could start a war though so he treaded carefully.

"Liv"…."can you tell me what your nightmare was about today…when you were in the cribs".

Her facial expression changed and she stood up to empty her bowl into the dishwasher. He lightly took her hand; "Liv, I want to be there for you, to help you but you need to let me in".

"Just leave it" she warned him, turning away from him, heading into the bathroom and firmly locking the door. Brian packed the rest of the dishwasher, he wasn't going to give up, far from it, but Olivia Benson was a very strong and very stubborn woman who had been through a horrific ordeal only recently. He would give her the time he knew she needed, but also wouldn't sit by and let her self-destruct.

That night she watched two DVDs and cleaned the apartment, once again. Brian's efforts to get her to rest, were once again ignored. The next morning she looked even more exhausted. Brian knew he had to intervene; whether she liked it or not, tonight she was going to lay down, close her eyes and try and get some sleep. He would prepare for that battle later.

Olivia walked into the precinct, far earlier than her rostered shift time. Despite the time of morning, the place was still buzzing with activity. She felt safe here, surrounded by other people. She had been so immersed in paperwork and sipping her coffee that she didn't notice Nick sit down at his desk.

"Morning" he said, stumbling for anything else to say. He knew she was embarrassed about the incident in the cribs yesterday and whilst he didn't want to force her to talk about it, he did want to check she was ok.

"Oh hey, I, ah didn't hear you come in".

"I just snuck in then, thought I'd catch up on the files from yesterday's case before it turns into the usual mayhem".

"Listen Nick…..I'm, ah, sorry about yesterday, it won't happen again" she said quietly, once again avoiding eye contact.

"You don't have to apologise Olivia. Are you ok?" he asked awkwardly.

"Yeah, just a bad dream, Brian and I have been watching a few scary movies lately; it must have just set me off". They both knew that was a lie but he was willing to accept it, for now. He would keep a close eye on her though.

Donald Cragen came out of his office, surprising both Olivia and Nick, neither realising he had even arrived at work.

"Olivia, do you have a moment?"…."Sure"….."In my office please".

Olivia finally made eye contact with Nick who shrugged his shoulders to indicate to her he had no idea what it was about.

"Take a seat Olivia". Olivia slowly sat down, an expression of bewilderment crossing her face as she waited for Cragen to continue.

Cragen got to the point right away; difficult news was best delivered quickly, like ripping off a bandaid.

"It's about William Lewis"; she involuntarily shivered at the sound of his name, "a trial date has been set, June 30th".

Olivia quickly did the math in her head "That's only 7 days away, I'm not ready, I can't". She could feel herself panicking, her palms were sweaty and she suddenly had a strong desire for a glass of water.

"Olivia it's ok, you are ready" Cragen said soothingly. He had always felt so protective of Olivia, like the father she never had. "You've been working with Barba and you still have 7 days to go over your testimony. Now I know this will be a difficult few weeks for you, I want you to take some time off starting today…."; she quickly interrupted him "no, I need to be at work".

"Olivia, I don't want any arguments, I want you to have some time off to rest and get yourself prepared". She looked up at him, almost pleading "Captain please, I need to be at work….if you send me home, alone, he will be all I think about". She hated being so brutally honest, especially when at made her seem so vulnerable but she was fighting to stay at work, fighting for her sanity as he already plagued most of her thoughts, at least focusing on work gave her mind some reprieve.

Cragen stared at the wounded Detective in front of him; she was courageous and fierce, they all knew that but William Lewis had stolen so much from her when he kidnapped her.

He sighed "you win" he could see the relief wash over her face, "but I'm not going to assign you to any new cases as you will need to be available to Barba most of this week". She nodded and quietly slipped out of the room.

When she returned to her desk she noticed there was a message to phone Barba, 'obviously delivering the bad news' she thought. She knew that Lewis's trial was inevitable but she just didn't realise it would be so soon. She had only just started to get back to some form of normalcy when it was announced that Lewis's trial was imminent. Since then he had once again invaded her thoughts, her ordeal playing over and over like it had happened just yesterday. Not only was she frightened of confronting her attacker but she was terrified that her secret would be revealed. That was half her battle; fighting to ensure they never knew the truth. She crumpled up the note with the phone message and continued on with her work.

It was 6pm. Normally he wasn't home at this time but things were different now. He had hoped the change would make things better, improve his relationship with his wife, spending more time with his family. Instead it made him frustrated, depressed and angry. He knew it was his choice to walk out, to not even say good bye but he had started to resent his family and he longed for his badge again. More than that he longed to see her one more time, to explain.

He sat alone in the darkened room and listened intently at the news headlines. He had been listening every night since he got word William Lewis would be facing trial shortly. He needed to know when, not that he would be able to do anything, it was far too late now to protect her, the damage had been done. There it was, one of the main headlines, the trial of William Lewis was due to commence on the 30th June. Her beautiful face was plastered across the headline; but only he could know that those big, brown eyes projected fear and pain; to the outside world she was strong, a fighter. She was of course that but he knew she had changed; his Liv had been permanently scarred. His hand bundled into a fist just thinking about that scum. He immediately flinched, months ago when he had first heard the news he had furiously punched these very walls in anger and guilt and he was left with a severely broken hand which had only just finished healing. He had been so overcome with anger and sadness that his fury had scared his wife. She had handed him the phone; "call her". He had sat in silence, holding that phone in his broken hand for hours, he had even dialled a few of the numbers which would connect him to her mobile phone but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He didn't have the right to be there for her after what he had done and he was terrified to hear her inevitable wounded voice. So instead he followed from afar, thinking of her every day without her ever realising it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Two quick things…I'm an Aussie so there may be some words that we use that some of you may not eg: mobile phone for cell phone! Secondly, I made up a name for Brian's partner in this chapter, Jake! I'd love your feedback, thanks.**

Olivia was sitting on the couch in her and Brian's apartment, watching her face plastered across the news. For some reason her trauma continued to create a media frenzy. She remembered lying in the hospital bed after those four days of terror had finally ended. Her face was covered in bruises, her hand bandaged but that didn't stop her seeing the image of Nick escorting her out of the beach house on the TV, of the patient next to her. She felt physically sick remembering the looks of pity directed at her as she stumbled out of the beach house; victim. They had all labelled her a victim. No one knew what her four days of horror entailed but they could see just by looking at her that he had harmed her in some way or another. She knew she would never be the same again but what was worse was the fact that her colleagues, her boyfriend looked at her so differently. She hated that feeling more than anything else so she ensured the daily struggle of suppressing the memories and trying to go back to the old Olivia, the untouched, non-victim Olivia. That had been working until she discovered she would soon have to face Lewis and recount her ordeal. Now that a trial date had been set, she worried she would struggle more than ever before.

"Babe, are you ok?" Brian asked. She hadn't heard him come in. She looked at him, vacantly.

"Let's turn this off" Brian said, picking up the remote and switching the TV off. "Have you eaten?" She nodded. He didn't know whether that was a lie so decided he would heat up dinner for the two of them anyway.

"How was your day" she finally asked.

"Nothing special". She didn't say anything.

"I dropped by the precinct to see you today and spoke to Fin, he mentioned that Lewis's trial is in 7 days", he waited for a reaction, nothing. "How are you feeling about it?"

"When did you stop by, I didn't see you?" she queried. 'Really' he thought, is she going to do this again.

"I wanted to take you out for a late lunch, Cragen said you and Amaro were in Brooklyn. So how are you feeling about the trial Liv?"

"Lunch would have been nice" was all she could answer. She got up when she heard the microwave beep and went to head to their bedroom.

"Liv, are we really going to do this?"

"Do what?" she asked, pretending she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Pretend like everything is ok? Tip toe around one another, making small talk? I know this is hard for you and I can't even pretend to understand what you're going through but Liv, you need to talk to someone about".

"There's nothing to talk about Brian, it is what it is".

"That's not good enough" he said, firmly.

"Excuse me?" Olivia was taken aback and could feel her anger brewing.

"It's been 2 months. For two months I haven't pushed you. I haven't pressured you to tell me what happened during those four days, even though it's been driving me completely crazy not knowing. I have given you the time you need but we can't pretend like it didn't happen Olivia".

"This….thing…didn't happen to you Brian, it happened to me" she yelled angrily.

"I know and I want to be there for you but how can I when all you do is completely shut me out?"

"This has nothing to do with you".

"How can you say that? I'm supposed to be your boyfriend Olivia, we're supposed to talk to each other, to be there for one another but how the hell am I meant to do that when you won't let me in?"

"I'm dealing with it ok, so just drop it". She could feel tears making there way to the surface and she desperately tried to suppress them. She had been putting on such a brave act around Brian that she couldn't fail now.

"If that were true then you would stop wearing this stupid mask you've made for yourself and talk to me. I know you're not fine, I know you are hurting, I know you are frightened, hell everyone knows it Liv except you".

She looked up at him meekly, 'was that true' she wondered.

He saw the hurt in her eyes.

"Talk to me" he pleaded.

She didn't respond for a few seconds. "I can't" she whispered, turning away.

"It's ok babe, please" he begged. "You're safe here; I want you to tell me what happened".

Her large, brown eyes made contact with his and he could see tears welling in them. She had been trying to avoid this moment for 10 weeks; she didn't even know what she should tell him now. Of course she had played her story over and over in her head, knew exactly what she would tell him but here, now, with him in front of her pleading for her to let him in, she wondered if she could tell him everything. Then she thought about what that would mean and involuntarily wrapped her arms around her body, the filth and shame overcoming her.

"Let's sit on the couch". He lightly took her hand and pulled her towards the couch, her feet seemed unwilling to move on there own. He couldn't believe there was a chance he was finally getting through to her. He knew bits and pieces about what Olivia had to endure whilst being held against her will however, he was seriously going insane as all kinds of images taunted him regularly. She had survived that's really all he knew. He guided her to the couch and held her hands in his. "Take your time".

"What do you want to know?" She was stalling.

"You said you came home to your apartment and William Lewis was waiting for you. He pointed a gun and your head and said"…she interrupted him.

"Welcome home Detective Benson". She could see the gun pointed at her head, the sadistic demon smirking as he knew he had her. "I froze" she said, he could hear the shame in her voice.

"He had a gun to your head Liv, anyone including me would have done the same thing". He wasn't sure if she had heard him.

"I tried to talk to him, to reason with him, that he didn't have to do this but he just laughed. He started coming towards me so I was backing away towards the door but I knew with his gun pointed at me that it was pointless and he knew it too. He kept taunting me."

"What did he say?"

"He said he had waited so long to get me alone and" she paused "that he had fantasised about this moment when he was alone at night, in bed….". Brian swallowed hard, afraid to react in case it made her hesitate or stop opening up to him. He nodded for her continue.

"I was pinned against the front door and he put his hands on me"….

"Where" Brian interrupted but quickly regretted it. He just needed to know everything.

"He grabbed the bottom of my top and yanked it loose from my pants. Then he put his hand up my top and my under my bra and" she didn't finish, she was sure Brian knew what she meant. He did.

"I can't remember what happened next. I was knocked unconscious somehow and I'm not sure how long I was out". Brian shuddered, his mind couldn't help wondering what happened to her whilst she was unconscious.

"When I came to, my hands and feet were tied to my kitchen chair and I was gagged. He was standing over me smirking. He had my gun. He, he….put the gun between my legs and I tried to push him away and I fell over in the chair. He laughed. Then he took the gag off my mouth and I spat in his face. I tried to reason with him again, telling him that he should get out now and that I wouldn't say anything. I told him that being a member of the NYPD, if he went any further, hell would rain down on him. He didn't care, I remember him raising his arm so high and the barrel of the gun coming towards my head". Brian could see she was getting agitated.

"It's ok Liv, you're doing great".

"I don't think I was out for long but when I came to again he was drinking and smoking a cigarette. When he noticed I was conscious, he took the cigarette and held it against my skin", Brian could see tears brimming to the surface again. "It hurt" she said, so softly he only just heard it. Brian hadn't seen her naked since she was kidnapped so he had no idea where the cigarette burn was but he knew it would have left a scar. They both used to sleep naked but now she slept in sweats even during these warmer nights. He was afraid to sleep naked anymore as he didn't want to scare her or have it seem like he was pressuring her into doing something when she wasn't ready so he settled for boxers and sometimes a singlet too. He longed to be close to her again, to hold her in his arms and to touch her. He thought they may have been getting close to being physically intimate but when Olivia was told about Lewis's upcoming trial, she had completely withdrawn from him again.

"What happened next?" he asked.

"He told me we were going for a ride and he pulled me off the floor and dragged me to the fire escape. I clawed at anything in my apartment to stop him from taking me. I tried to fight him but I couldn't stop him."

Just then there was a knock at the door and Olivia jumped slightly, startled by the noise.

"Fuck not now" Brian swore. It had taken so much effort and coaxing to get her to talk that he knew she would jump at any distraction that came her way. He was right. She got up and looked through the peephole of there apartment door. She saw it was Brian's partner and quickly wiped her eyes before opening the door.

"Hi Jake" Olivia warmly greeted Brian's partner "come on in".

Brian shot Jake a death glare, even though he knew it wasn't his fault.

"I'll leave you guys to it" Olivia said starting to walk out of the room. Brian grabbed her arm "we'll continue this later ok?" he asked. She looked away, thankful for Jake's intrusion. She wanted to erase the thoughts, not try and re-hash them but she knew she would have to do it at trial anyway. "Liv?" he wanted her to commit to a later conversation.

"No" she said adamantly, walking into their bedroom and shutting the door. Her stubbornness was usually alluring but at this moment

"Did I interrupt something" Jake asked hesitantly.

"She was finally opening up to me…about Lewis".

"Sorry man".

"Na, you weren't to know. It shouldn't be like this anyway. She can talk to that shrink all the time but she can't even talk to her own boyfriend?"

"She doesn't have any kind of relationship with her shrink though Cassidy. She didn't know this shrink before what happened and after awhile she won't see him anymore. She's more on guard around the people closest to her". Brian knew his partner made sense but he was frustrated.

Olivia sat on their bed, her knees curled up under her chin. She held her pillow to her face and silently cried into the pillow.

**I hope you guys enjoyed! I forgot to say in the first chapter to please review! So I'll say it now – please review! I definitely have an idea where I want this story to go but it's starting off slower than I anticipated! Elliott will definitely be making appearances but as you can see this fic has a lot of Bensidy because I love them! I'm definitely open to your story ideas so please send them my way, thanks!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi guys! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, followed and favourited, means a lot! Please keep the reviews coming, I've never written an SVU fic (and only written one other fic before) so hopefully this story is ok! Your reviews will inspire me to keep writing whenever I can squeeze in the time!**

**Some of you may be wondering if this is a Bensidy fic or an Elliott/Olivia fic. Bensidy are definitely a couple throughout this fic….they certainly have their problems as they deal with the aftermath of what happened to Olivia but they will get stronger! Elliott will appear a lot but it's more from the POV of their relationship on the show – they care deeply for one another, maybe more so than anyone else in their lives and sometimes the line between romance and friendship is blurred but for the most part he wants to protect and comfort her in this fic. I hope this helps!**

He felt her tossing and turning and soon after slipping out of their bed. One eye squinted open to see the glow of the alarm clock showing 2:44am. He knew he should follow her, bring her back to bed to get some rest but he was also exhausted and had little energy for another battle. He fell back into a deep sleep and didn't hear her leave the apartment around 3:30am.

She arrived at the precinct and made her way inside. It seemed to be her safe haven since William Lewis, it was the only place she truly felt she could relax. She walked in to the cribs expecting to find it empty and was shocked when she saw Rollins and Amaro bunking it for the night. She tried to silently tiptoe out when she heard "Olivia?" She sighed at the thought of having to give an explanation as to why she had turned up to work at 4am for no real need.

"Liv what are you doing here" Rollins asked sleepily.

"I'm just catching up on some work, I'm sorry I woke you, I'll let you get back to it" Olivia replied, trying to sneak out the door.

"It's 4am!" Rollins was confused. "Didn't Captain tell you to take it easy this week?"

"I am, I just work better when the office is quieter and you probably sleep better when no one is disturbing you so I'm going to go grab a coffee and let you rest". Olivia closed the door behind her, ending the conversation.

The bed next to Amanda stirred and a figure slowly sat up, stretching. "What's going on? Are we up" Nick asked his colleague, realising the call of duty had probably just ended his beauty sleep.

"Ah no, just a late night…well early morning visitor who I don't think was expecting you or I to be bunking here".

Nick looked at her puzzled and raised an eyebrow.

"It's Olivia, she's here" Amanda said.

Nick tapped his phone and saw the time "it's 4am?

"I know, she said she wanted to do some work. Nick I don't think she's sleeping well, I overheard Cassidy say something to her about it a few days ago".

"I've got it" Nick said, climbing out of bed and pulling on his pants and a shirt.

"Want me to come with" Amanda asked.

"Probably better I do this solo, but thanks" he said, giving her a soft smile. He was glad they had put their disputes behind them although he did miss having Olivia as his partner.

He saw the side of her face in the soft glow of the desk lamp. He walked over, approaching her from behind.

"Olivia" he said, causing her to jump in fright. He silently cursed himself, he should have known better. "I'm sorry, I didn't meant to startle you".

"No Nick, it's, it's fine" she said trying to catch her breath, "I just didn't hear you coming. Did I wake you too?"

"I'd already had a good 6 hours anyway and we both know those bunks aren't the comfiest". She laughed and nodded in agreement. An awkward silence fell between them, she knew what was coming.

"What are you doing here Liv?"

"I've got work to" she started but Nick cut her off.

"I'm your partner Olivia, you and I both know Cragen cleared you for this week, any work you have can wait until after the trial.

"But" she started to interrupt but he cut her off.

"So why don't you tell me what you're really doing here?"

She looked at Nick, sizing him up. He was her partner and she trusted him with all her heart but he looked up to her and out of all her colleagues it bothered her the most for Amaro and Rollins to see her vulnerable.

"Nick, I'm not just going to let you get dumped with all the work. Just because I have a few other things going on doesn't mean I can't help out around here".

"A few other things? Olivia, the trial of William Lewis in which you are the main witness does not constitute a few other things."

Olivia was silent, she was so tired she couldn't go another round of fighting with another male in her life.

Nick could read the look of defeat on her face, he pulled a chair in front of her and sat down.

"Are you sleeping?" he just came straight out and asked. She turned away "I have to get back to this Nick".

"He repeated the question "Olivia, are you having trouble sleeping?"

"Please, I'm fine, you'd think me wanting to put in some extra overtime to help you guys out would at least get a thank you not an interrogation". She was getting defensive. She couldn't tell Nick the truth; that she desperately longed for sleep however, every time she closed her eyes, William's Lewis's haunting eyes, his evil laugh and his dirty hands all over her body assaulted her mind.

Nick had seen this a thousand times, he knew what victims went through. Olivia had barely talked about her time with Lewis however, she had vehemently denied that any sexual assault or rape took place. He knew that Lewis had possibly tried and he thanked God every day that he hadn't succeeded. He also knew that Lewis had physically and psychologically tortured his partner for 4 days though and that wasn't something anyone ever forgets. He could tell she was battling a string of inner demons.

"It's 4:30 in the morning, come to the cribs and try and get some rest. Amanda and I will be there, you'll be safe, I'll even sit awake in there if you want me to".

Olivia could feel herself being overcome with emotions at his kind gesture. She knew it was so hard to put on an act around colleagues who dealt with victims everyday but her pride meant to much to her.

"Look Nick, I appreciate it but I've been getting plenty of sleep, honestly. If you must know, I have a meeting with Barba today and I have to go over my testimony so if you can let me get back to it, you can get in a few more hours rest". She turned away from him and put her head down, pretending she was completely engrossed in the papers in front of her. Nick sighed, he knew this was useless , Olivia was the most stubborn person he knew.

"You know I'm here anytime you want to talk" he said and quietly turned and walked away.

"So besides failing to mention Viva and Luiza Nunez is there anything else you aren't telling me" Barba asked Olivia, his annoyance clearly evident in his tone. She sat in the witness box, they were going over her testimony. It had been hours and she could barely keep her eyes open.

"I've told you everything" she replied. "Are we done?" she asked, regretting how harsh she sounded; after all he was on her side.

"For now". He handed her some files "I want you to study this inside out. I'm not going to lie, Lewis's lawyer is going to go after you guns blazing".

"I know, I'll be ready" she said, although her voice was shaky.

"I'll check in with you later, good job today" Barba said as he walked her out of the court room. As they exited the building, Olivia spotted William Lewis's lawyer walking towards them. She started to feel uneasy, it was becoming all too real with the trial now only 3 days away.

She sauntered up to them "good afternoon Rafael, Detective Benson" she said in an overly friendly way. "Barba, can you spare me a few minutes?" she asked.

"I don't think you have anything to say that I'd be remotely interested in" Barba replied.

Olivia didn't want to stay so she quickly excused herself.

"Oh I think I do" she replied, overly confident "shall we walk?"

"You've got five minutes".

"Let's make it 2. William Lewis is willing to plead guilty to the rape in the first degree and sodomy of Detective Benson".

Barba's jaw dropped, he was shocked.

"You're kidding right?" Barba enquired, the look of disbelief still spread across his face.

"Would I kid with you Rafael" she said playfully. "It's exactly as I said. Lewis is willing to plead guilty on the condition that he can testify about the events of those four days in….graphic detail".

"I don't understand" Barba was confused.

"What don't you understand Barba? He will go away for 25 years, isn't this something we should be celebrating, less work for the both of us!"

"He didn't rape her."

"Are you sure about that?"

Barba didn't reply. Olivia had sworn she had now told him everything and he believed her. He had asked her a number of times if she was violated sexually at the hands of William Lewis and each time she had strongly denied that occurring. What she went through was already horribly unimaginable but he did know admitting she was raped would be harder than all the other stuff put together.

"Think about it and get back to me by the end of the day, it seems a done deal to me though".

Barba watched her leave as he pulled out his phone and dialled Olivia's number. It went to voicemail "damn" he said aloud. He signalled for a cab and headed towards the precinct, he would probably beat her there.

"Hey Barba what are you doing here" Amanda asked.

"I'm looking for Olivia, is she back yet?"

"Wasn't she with you" Nick asked perplexed.

"Yes, but I need to talk to her now and she isn't answering her phone" Barba said breathless.

"Ok, ok, I'll give her a try" Nick started dialling her number and was just about to give up when she answered.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked.

"Where are you?"

"Keeping tabs on me now Nick?"

He didn't know what to say. "No, it's just Barba, he's here and says he needs to talk to you, seems kind of urgent".

"I was just with him" she was puzzled.

"Is that her? I want her here now" Barba said. Olivia could hear him in the background and she grew worried.

"Did you hear that?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, I'm coming". Olivia had wanted some time to herself so she had headed to Central Park. She just wanted to walk aimlessly, just to keep on walking for as long as she could and see where she ended up. She could feel her body and mind wavering, she didn't even know if she could keep fighting and the fight had barely begun.

Shortly after she hung up from Nick she entered the precinct and almost bumped into Barba.

"Olivia, we need to talk now".

"Ah ok" he led her into a private room and drew the blinds. She had no idea what the hell was going on and it left her anxious.

"Is that necessary?" she asked.

"I want to ensure we have some privacy". He came over towards her and sat down. "I'm going to ask you this straight up Olivia. I know this is incredibly difficult for you but you know the importance of telling the truth on the stand and there being no surprises".

"I know" she replied, unsure where this was going.

"That's why I'm begging you to tell me the truth and then I will drop this".

She said nothing, she thought they had been over this.

"Did William Lewis rape you?"

She felt the walls closing in on her, slowly suffocating her as they inched closer and closer and she gasped for air. She felt light headed and instinctively clutched the side of the desk to keep herself from falling off her chair. It felt like time was very slowly ticking past as her mind raced for an adequate response.

"Olivia?" His voice sounded far away but she knew he was standing in front of her and if she didn't answer soon, he would make up his own mind.

"What, where is this coming from?"

"You didn't answer the question".

"Because we have already been through this, I don't know how many times I have to tell you no".

She got up to leave and he blocked the doorway. She looked at him in irritation and shock "I don't want to talk about this anymore" she said adamantly.

"Olivia sit down, please". She rolled her eyes and sat back down, exacerbated. She needed to get out of that room now, Lewis was once again controlling her mind but this time the images were the one's she had been trying so hard to suppress and she wanted to scream, to claw at her head until the images stopped.

"William Lewis is willing to plead guilty". Olivia looked at him, shocked.

"Wha, what did you say?"

"He is willing to plead guilty…..to rape in the first degree and sodomy in the first degree".

Her throat was drier than it had ever been before, she couldn't comprehend what he was saying.

"Olivia, he is saying he vaginally and anally raped you and is willing to plead guilty in exchange for describing the details in court. He will get 25 years".

She could hear him talking, but his voice was a distant blur. This couldn't be happening, not now, not ever. He was still controlling her, every chance he got. She felt his hands slowly slither down her stomach, finding their way to her belt buckle. She couldn't see it, but she heard the buckle click loose and felt it being pulled from her pants. She instinctively kicked, just as she had done on the iron bed.

"Olivia, Olivia can you hear me?" Barba had no idea what was happening. She looked like she was in her own world and about to pass out which only made his suspicions grow.

She quickly snapped out of it. "No, no, no" she said fiercely. "He did not rape me, he did not sodomise me" she felt disgusted just saying those words about herself. "Don't you get it, he is lying! He is trying to humiliate me, he didn't have the balls to rape me". Barba studied her carefully.

"I've told you everything that happened, every minute detail so you can tell the defense attorney that she and Lewis can stick there guilty plea because that never happened and I won't allow him to get up in court and describe in graphic detail what he didn't do to me".

She desperately needed to escape, she felt trapped in that room and knew at that moment she wasn't capable of shielding anymore questions related to what happened to her. This time she pushed past Barba and spat "we are done, I'll see you in court Thursday."

She rushed out of the room and out the precinct doors. She could hear Fin calling after her but she kept going, so grateful that she was able to just slip through the elevator doors as they closed.

They had all heard the commotion, had heard both Olivia and Barba yelling and wondered what was going on.

Fin raised his shoulders and eyeballed Barba for answers; "well" he said "what was that all about?"

"I'm not 100% sure myself" Barba replied, watching the elevator doors close.

**That's all for now folks! Please review! Thanks :-)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 is up! I didn't get many reviews for the last chapter so I'm not sure if people want me to keep writing – I'm enjoying writing this so if you guys are enjoying reading I'll keep trying to get the chapters up fairly quickly for you.**

**So please review, I love getting them! Thanks and thank you to those who have reviewed so far :-)**

Olivia sprinted out the front doors of the precinct and finally let out the breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding in. She felt the cool breeze dance across her face as she made her way towards Central Park again. She had a million thoughts swirling around; thankfully the flashbacks had stopped but she was petrified of what game Lewis was now playing. She couldn't believe he was willing to plead guilty, he regularly bragged about his ability to beat the justice system every time, was he really willing to sacrifice his freedom this time all for the sake of humiliating her? It scared her to the core, he had told her that he would haunt her always and he was certainly living up to his word so far. She could remember him leaning in so close whilst she was lying on the mattress crying, he softly brushed her hair behind her ears and whispered "you have been my favourite conquest; I'll treasure the memories every day". She felt physically sick just thinking about it. She knew she had been careful, she had practised her testimony over and over; she had told the same story to IAB, Barba and her colleagues. As long as she remained focused her lies wouldn't catch up with her.

As he walked into the bar he grunted 'beer' to the bar man and pulled up a stool. A few minutes later his companion joined him, pulled up another stool and ordered a side of fries. It had been 9 weeks since he had seen his old friend from the precinct. He hadn't stayed in touch with any of them except Matt. He had been a mentor to Matt, the kid looked up to him and he knew Matt wouldn't survive in the NYPD if he didn't stick around to provide some kind of guidance. He had told Matt he would continue catching up with him on the condition that no one else could know; to everyone else he had disappeared off the radar. Whether he liked it or not that's the way it was.

"What's up man?" Matt asked.

The kid had definitely got some more muscle happening since he last saw him.

He had remembered sitting in this very bar a week after Olivia's kidnapping, pounding Matt for details. He had wanted to meet Matt earlier, hours after he had seen the news report but he was too angry, he couldn't trust himself around anyone. He had spent hours quizzing Matt on every little detail but most importantly he had wanted to find out how she was, was she coping, was she burying into one of her holes. Unfortunately for him, Olivia had continued to be the private, stubborn woman she always was, maybe even more so after he vanished and Matt hadn't been able to shed much light. Matt had said she seemed to be holding up ok; he had expected nothing less however, that really hurt him hard. Pretending she was ok meant she was suffering more than anyone could know.

"Not much Matt, you're looking good, been hitting the gym?"

Matt laughed "I'm all about the ladies now man, gotta keep in shape, the uniform helps but it's the abs that are under it which counts". They both laughed. They spoke for another twenty minutes or so about work and life before Matt interrupted; "Why don't we cut to the chase hey? I appreciate you hanging with me dude but you've been distracted the whole time! I know you want to help but I also know why you're really here". He lifted an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Nothing's really changed, she's still doing ok" he said hesitantly.

He said nothing, willing him to continue.

"Did you know the trial is in a few days?" He nodded. "I gotta be honest, I think it's getting to her, as you'd expect I guess hey. I saw the creep in the cell after he exposed himself to those two tourists, psycho burnt all his finger prints off, crazy shit man".

He shuddered, he could only imagine what kind of a monster William Lewis was.

"She wasn't in a great way today though".

"What happened" he asked, surprised at how quickly the words left his mouth.

"I dunno, I was processing some stuff for Fin and we could hear her and Barba having a pretty heated conversation. Word is Lewis wants to plead guilty to…." He was scared to mouth the words, he new exactly how his friend would react.

"What? Word is what Matt" he demanded.

"To….raping her". He waited for the reaction.

He clenched his fists so hard, they turned a mixture of red and white in colour. The visions he had of what he would do to William Lewis if he ever got time alone with him would land himself on death row for sure. But this was more than just anger, no this other feeling he had, hurt so much more. It was like his heart had been ripped from his body and stomped on…and stomped on some more…and then some more. He emotionally hurt like hell just thinking of what she would have gone through and what she would continue to be going through, most likely suffering alone. He wondered if she would ever be the same again. Part of him wondered if he turned up on her doorstep tonight if she would confide in him but deep down he knew that was his ego talking, it was wishful thinking, she most likely wouldn't have confided in him when they worked together and she definitely wouldn't do it now; she had probably lost any trust and respect she had for him.

"Is it true?" he asked quietly, so afraid for the answer.

"I don't know Elliott".

Cragen was packing up for the night when he heard his phone vibrate on his desk. He looked down and was shocked to see the sender's name flash up on his screen. Then he felt relief, so much relief. Not only was Stabler alive but he still cared. He had spent lost hours worrying about Stabler after he just up and left with no further communication but he knew if anything would bring him back to the surface it would be this. He could feel a tear sliding down his cheek as he read the message: "I know I have no right to care about her anymore and I know I don't deserve any answers but I need to know…was she raped".

Cragen immediately tried dialling Elliott's number but it went to voicemail. He called back again, imploring him to pick up but understanding it was a wasted effort, he wasn't ready. He wanted to put him out of his misery though so he texted back.

"Good to hear from you Elliott. I know you're not looking for pleasantries but call me some time. Olivia was not raped. I won't lie, she won't through a horrific ordeal but as you know she's a survivor. I knew you'd never stop worrying about her. I promise you I'm looking after her. Take care and call me".

His phone beeped and he saw the name 'Captain' hover on his screen. He held his breath, read the message, read it again and then one more time just to be sure. His worst nightmare hadn't come true, she would be ok; he had worried that if it were true she would never recover.

"Yo Cassidy, you coming for a drink?" It was the end of the shift and the guys were getting ready to head to their local bar. As much as he loved spending time with the guys, he desperately wanted to see his girlfriend; he hadn't stopped thinking about her all day.

"Na, man, have to give it a miss tonight". The guys didn't bust his balls like they usually would, everyone knew what he had going on. In fact after they had all heard the rumours about William Lewis wanting to plead guilty and watching Brian punch a hole through the office wall in a fit of rage they were surprised he hadn't gone home earlier.

"Catch ya tomorrow" he said, walking out of the office.

He stood outside the apartment door for a moment, needing to take a few seconds before he walked into their apartment. He looked down at his broken hand, it hurt like hell but he'd been through a lot worse. In fact hearing the news that William Lewis had decided to plead guilty to raping his girlfriend hurt ten times, no one hundred times more than the physical pain of a broken hand. Whilst Olivia had consistently refused to talk about what William Lewis did to her during those four days she had answered the question that had plagued his nightmares for days during and after her kidnapping; that he had not raped her. He had believed her and once he had that detail hadn't pushed her for anything further, allowing her to talk things through with her therapist. He didn't want to doubt her word now but he was confused and knew that Olivia's pride meant more to her than most things.

As he went to put the key in the lock he promised himself that tonight he only wanted two things; 1) to make sure they didn't fight and 2) to make sure she got at least 4 hours sleep even if it meant him staying up all night, watching over her.

He opened the door and couldn't help but smile when he saw her curled up in her pyjamas on the couch. She looked incredibly beautiful and so peaceful as she slept. He picked up the blanket from the other couch, kissed her softly an on the forehead and lay the blanket over her. He lifted her plate off the coffee table and noticed some papers scattered across it. He quickly glanced at her to check she was still asleep and then shifted the papers slightly so he could read what was on the page of one of them.

**ADA: **Can you tell us how what happened when you first arrived at the beach house?

**Witness: **I was still handcuffed to the back car door so I was lying across the back seat and my mouth was still gagged. I couldn't see much from the position I was in but I could hear the car driving along a cobblestone road and I could see the sun had finished rising. The defendant said "yes, this is it, this is perfect" and he stopped the car. He came around to the back door where my head was and opened the car door. My hair was stained to my face from all the alcohol he had poured over my head and he brushed it back behind my ears and I tried to scoot across to the other side of the car. He grabbed my hair and pulled me back towards him and said "now, now, there's plenty of time to play hard to get". He then ran his hands over the front of my top and I tried to push him away with my free hand which wasn't handcuffed. He took the handcuffs off and pulled me out of the car. I fell on the ground and tried to get up but I must have been still woozy from the drugs and alcohol because I found it hard to get up. He laughed and yanked me off the ground and pulled me towards him. He started whispering in my ear.

**ADA: **What did he whisper Detective Benson?

**Witness: **He whispered the things he was going to do to me?

**ADA: **Can you recall the exact words the defendant said to you?

**Witness: **Yes. He said that he would start slow so that I enjoyed it. He said he would use my own gun inside of me and would then put it in my mouth and pull the trigger".

He couldn't read anymore, he felt like he was going to throw up. He didn't know how Olivia was going to get through this, having to sit in front of the grand jury, the media, the public, her colleagues, friends and him and tell every intimate detail of the hell he put her through. He looked down at her again and had this overwhelming feeling to protect her, more so than he had been doing. He pulled the blanket up higher towards her chin but as he did she stirred and slowly opened her eyes.

**I hope you enjoyed, please review, would love any feedback from you guys!**


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